I didn’t sign up for the messy disorder and chaos my heart has been juggling since we started this adoption. Was there something I could have done to better prepare myself? Should I have done more research? Did I somehow miss reading the how-to articles on adoption? Could I have attended a 5-step training seminar titled, “Adoption Made Easy?” Was there an “Adoption manual for Dummies” I needed to borrow from my local library?
Every monthly update of our baby girls stirs up my flesh. I’d love to be at the place where I receive the new updates with pure thankfulness and joy…with a smile across my face, I’d post the pics on my blog and tell everyone to enjoy. I'm sure you would appreciate that too.
Sorry, that’s not me. I do have some promising moments, but all in all, the happy place in the midst of the wait has not been a very frequent hang out for me.
These updates pull me in two complete opposite directions: I’m frustrated, joyful, exasperated, thrilled, sorrowful, delighted, maddened, overjoyed…
Makes me think of pulling the petals off a daisy flower: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me…which is it? Does he love me or not? Am I happy or sad?
These updates are one big giant tease. Look at how great your babies are. Look at how beautiful. Look at how sweet. Look at how huggable. Look at how kissable. You can look but don’t touch.
Jesus, help!
No matter what the cause of the itching, an oatmeal bath provides a soothing remedy.
In the same way, I’ve discovered no matter what the cause of the heart’s condition; soaking in Psalms is comfort therapy.
Psalms has a way of putting words to the untamed assortment of emotions I feel and reassures me of God’s great love for me.
Through the wait of our adoption, I have pretty much worn out the pages of Psalms in my Bible.
Psalms has a way of matching the perfect words to these difficult and unfamiliar emotions I have collided with in this adoption. Many of these feelings are strange to me…they seem peculiar…completely foreign.
I’m like, “Woah!” “What the heck?” “Where’d that come from?”
I have never been stretched, twisted, squeezed, and had my heart taken to these kinds of places.
What am I supposed to do with all of this?
Answer: Soak up the Psalms and find consolation…soul medication.
Psalms has a way of lifting my defeated soul out of the torture chamber.
I have no answers and I’m too transparent to 'play holy.' I admit I have not been able to find the place of contentment in this waiting phase. All I can say is I’m coping. Reading God’s word has been my coping tactic. Reading all over God's Word but mostly Psalms…it helps me cope.
I have not figured out how to make my heart content with waiting for an undefined time period. I don’t know how to make my heart content with the fact that it’s the staff at the orphanage who is making hand prints, feet prints, and scrapbooks with Raphaella and Wana instead of me. I don't know what else to do as I continue to receive these updates...I grab a box of tissues and the book of Psalms...I pray.
Content? No.
Coping? Yes…by the grace of God and His precious word.
Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. But I pray to you, O Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me. Answer me out of the goodness of your love. In your great mercy, turn to me. Be not far from me, O God. Come quickly to help me. But as for me, I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more. I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. Summon your power, O God; show us your strength, O God, as you have done before. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me. Thank you my Lord. Thank you for the goodness you are creating through all of this. Jesus, you are my prize. I wait on you.
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