There were so many worthy moments in 2010 where God’s goodness blew me away but, if I'm picking the “highlight of the year award,” it would have to be the day in June when I first met Raphaella, Wana, and Pastor Nahum face to face. This hot summer day in Haiti brought equal amounts of joy and pain. This day has further shaped my understanding of God’s beautiful design for adoption and caused the cross to become more meaningful to me. Our Heavenly Father gave up everything for our redemption…for our adoption to be made complete.
So, the day I went to Haiti and held my baby girls for the first time…oh, yes…very deserving of the “2010 highlight of the year award.” Thank you Jesus for allowing me to remember so many vivid details of the time I had with them. It was a foretaste of what is to come…it was an inside look into the beauty of God’s family joining together (through adoption) eternally. When I hear the words ‘completed’ and ‘adoption’ together my soul rejoices. Completed adoption=redemption, salvation, forever family…
The road to achieve a completed adoption has proven to be often difficult and painful but one that leaves us somehow, in a supernatural kind of way, at peace knowing God is our strength. He is in control and is fighting for us…defending us to the end...we can be sure of our hope in the Day when we will be face to face forever with our sweet Lord Jesus.
We haven’t discovered a way to escape ‘the wait’ on our adoption journey. Even today I am waiting…I wait for Raphaella and Wana’s earthly adoption to be completed and at the same time I wait, along with all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, for my own heavenly adoption to be completed.
Let's look back now to the day I have awarded as the highlight of my life in 2010. I arrived at this day through a very last second Haiti trip. Because of different circumstances, (which I won’t share now simply for the sake of keeping this blog somewhat short), I knew I would only have about 5 hours of face to face/holding time with my babies.
5 Hours.
What did I just sign myself up for?!
How do you spend 5 hours with your babies and then have to walk away from them for an indefinite time period?!
I just remember asking God to keep me sane…keep me from crumbling.
It was the sweetest 5 hours of the year. I kept Raphaella and Wana glued to me. They were 4 months old at this time…I remember stroking my fingers through their baby fine hair. They were so tiny. I could hold both of them at the same time. Somehow I didn’t even notice Haiti's physical unattractiveness or the extreme heat pounding on us and I never grew tired...I held my babies close and I felt as if I could do this forever. I continually stared at them to make a permanent copy in my mind of all of their different facial expressions, their little fingers and toes, their tiny ears and little noses. I heard them cry, watched them smile, changed their diapers, and fed them a bottle. They slept like little angels in my arms.
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| Raphaella |
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| Wana |
When I looked at them I saw the face of Jesus in all of its glorious beauty…there I was so very very close to the heart of God. The light of Jesus I saw in my babies and the people around me at Pastor Nahum’s place overshadowed the physical brokenness of Haiti. God was allowing me to see with the eyes of my heart, and there, past the ugly exterior, was the most beautiful spirit and the sounds of the faithful who literally depend on God for everything.
I really can’t even describe this. I mean, how do I explain this grace? How do I articulate the greatness of being so close to the heart of God as I held these two little orphaned infants...orphans that God has chosen to place in my family through His saving design of adoption? How do I define the strength, joy, and peace of Jesus that rested on Pastor Nahum and his orphans in the middle of such material scarcity? How do I express the pain of walking away after only 5 hours?
There are no words. This day had me all over the emotional scale…I had experienced happiness and sadness in the fullest meaning of those words during these five hours. You know the story…when the clock strikes 12, the carriage turns back into a pumpkin…everything and everyone turns back into their plain ordinary self. My time was up and I wasn’t okay with that. How was I going to maintain any dignity when I felt like I’d do just about anything for more time? I wanted to crush the clock with a sledge hammer. I honestly didn’t know how I would have the strength to survive handing them back to Pastor Nahum and walking away.
Looking back now in light of the recent political unrest…When it came to leaving my babies, I could have quite easily had my own little moment of unrest in Haiti…I could have wrapped my arms and legs around one of the church posts and refused to leave with the rest of the team. Clinging to the post, they would have had to peel me away kicking and screaming…ummm…so I’m pretty sure that would have been embarrassingly unattractive and really freaked out all of the Haitians even more than they already were because of the fountain of tears that would not stop pouring from my face.
God’s grace prevented me from crumbling. I’m not saying it was pretty, but God carried me through. So, there were no crazy displays of clinging to church posts, but I was like a little kid who asks for just five more minutes on the swing…over and over again. Give me five more minutes. I needed five more minutes to soak in the greatness of the Spirit present at Pastor Nahum’s place. Give me five more minutes. I needed five more minutes to pray over my girls as hard as I could possibly muster my spirit to pray. Give me five more minutes. I needed five more minutes just because I didn’t want to leave them…I was out of excuses...I just didn't want to leave.
Finally, one at a time, I took their tiny bodies, held them up and gently rested my face on their tummies. I wanted to breath them in and never forget their baby smell. I did not leave them with my own words...I left them with the words of Jesus. I softly whispered His promise to them, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." (John 14:18)
My five minutes were up.
I walked away.
Climbed into the back of the pick-up truck and looked back.
I looked as hard as I could at my babies through the tears blurring my vision. One of them rested in the arms of Pastor Nahum's wife and the other cried in the hands of Pastor Nahum's daughter.
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| My Haiti family. Mwen renmen fanmi mwen anpil anpil! |
I watched them as I drove off until they were no longer in sight and then immediately activated the 5 hours of pictures I had just copied in my mind. These pictures play like a movie in my head even today. I didn't know when I would hold them again. I still don't know when that time will come...*sigh*...Retelling this story has me crying again.
I had prepared the best I could for the unpreventable sorrow that I knew would come when I had to leave my babies behind...but something shocked me as I left Pastor Nahum’s home. There was something else adding to my sadness. Somewhere, somehow, something had happened in my heart that I would have never anticipated. The sorrow I was experiencing reached deeper than leaving my babies...I couldn’t believe it myself, but part of the sadness I was feeling was clearly the result of me leaving not just my babies, but leaving Haiti. For real?! I mean, sure, I thought I'd want to experience Haiti for a few days for the sake of our adoption but then that would be it...I'd get out ASAP. Haiti= poor, unattractive, and broken. Why on earth did I find myself longing to stay there? Why did leaving hurt so bad...like I was being torn away from my home? Apparently God was answering my prayer for more Jesus love with impressive proportions. He was causing this Jesus love to come alive in me for the people of Haiti. Jesus had filled me up and I realized on this day after having those 5 hours at Pastor Nahum’s place, that I really dearly loved these people...with a love bigger than me...with real Jesus love.
Going back to the people I love and to the place I where I am so close to God’s heart is what my soul desires and because of God’s unending grace, this is exactly where He has positioned me. I will be Haiti bound on January 10th and I couldn’t ask for a better way to start 2011.
Thank you Jesus for this last year we have shared together and especially for those 5 special hours that I will always cherish in my heart. I will proclaim Your Name until the Day You return. Come, Lord Jesus. Amen.
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