Accepting God's Surprises

Raphaella June 2011

Wana June 2011

Raphaella being silly with one of her nannies

Wana trying to walk

I’m sure our journey ranks up there with some of the most painful to witness.  Too many times I’ve been found tightly hugging on to what my eyes could see while the faithless tears would uncontrollably fall. 

My hope is that through all of our screw ups the banner of God’s grace is somehow a testimony for His glory in our lives.  But, no matter what happens, I have hope that my adoption is certain.  One day I will gaze upon the face of the Daddy I’ve never seen who loves me with a love I can't comprehend. 

Some days it seems like a century ago when we said yes to adoption.  When it all first began there was excitement, unknown anticipation, and a childlike confidence that nothing was impossible.  Everything about it made me truly believe the kingdom of God was coming nearer.    

After a year and a half has passed there are days when everything seems different.  Nothing looks like I thought it would look.  When people ask about our adoption I tend to put a half-real smile on my face and say things like we are still waiting and believing our girls will be home soon.    

The truth is this is all harder than I thought it was going to be when we first said yes and many times I’m not so sure.

Once I could hear the trumpets of God’s kingdom in the distant hills but as the process wears on I hear orphans crying out only to be ignored.  Sorrow and evil seems to hang over this world.   

I wonder how long must this world go on like this.  I keep remembering Jesus and what he did on the cross and ask that I will get lost in His will.        

I’m about to pour out some things that I’ve been wrestling with in my heart over the last few months.  I’ve wanted to say it sooner but I don’t really know for sure how to articulate it.  So, today, it may not all come out and it’s possible it will not make sense, but I’m going to just empty it out anyway.    

I’ve been looking hard at where we were when Trey and I first said yes to adoption. 

We planned to add these two tiny sweet girls to our family.  We would raise them to know and love God along with our three biological children.  Oh wait.  Before I go any further you need to know something about me.  I’m the kind of person who likes to be given the whole picture.  Give me the totality of what the task is going to involve and then let me finish it.  I’m not big on surprises…I think they are overrated.  I even prefer to pick out and purchase my own birthday gifts and then inform and thank Trey for what he got me.   So when I took the first step of faith into the scary unknown waters of adoption my heart said to God, “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” all the while I was resting in my made up belief that there wouldn’t be additional surprises outside of what I would classify as expected international adoption hurdles.  I never once fathomed the possibility that God would add more layers to His call in our lives.  Surely adopting the twins was the fullness of God’s plan for our family.  I never anticipated the possibility of our adoption journey evolving into anything more than the original picture I agreed to…the picture where two little Haitian girls are part of the McKinley family.  Period.  End of story. 

But I’ve recognized the hand of God moving as we’ve entered territory I didn’t agree to when we took that first tiny step of faith to adopt.  Stuff I never thought would happen is happening.  So much so that my whole big beautiful picture I had imagined when this all started is nearly unfamiliar to me now…almost like God has given our adoption a facelift of sorts.  I’m not who I was when I first believed and said yes.        

When we first said yes to adopting Haitian children I ashamedly have to admit I cared very little about the country of Haiti as a whole.  I wanted to stick to my big picture…adopt the twins, bring them here, and live happily ever after.  But God has done some major heart re-shaping in me along the way and today I have an overwhelming love for the Haitian people and their country.  Just say the word Haiti and my heart is flooded with a bigger purpose and passion for the Gospel of Jesus to come alive in the lives of the forgotten souls there…a love I’ve never known before explodes inside me.   It’s completely divine in nature…very mysterious and exciting yet all the while making a blurry royal mess of my adoption picture.  I'd say it's the surprise of all surprises in my life.

What happens next?  

Maybe the girls are with us one day.  Maybe they are not.  Maybe we live here.  Maybe we live there.  Maybe God somehow gives us both the girls and a whole village of Haitian people. 

I'll have to wait and see...It's a surprise.   

I’m praying God will give us both.  I love our baby girls.  I’ve felt like they are mine for a very long time now.  I want to adopt them and make them part of our family.  In the same way I love the people in Gilbert, Haiti.  I praise God for opening a door I would never have dared to open...to invite my family to love an entire poverty stricken village of people.  I want to share life with all of them. 

In five days I will be with Pastor Nahum and all of the people in Gilbert.  I'm going with a few friends and we will host a VBS for Nahum's orphans and the children of his village...about 150 kids total.  I will not see Raphaella and Wana but there is something about being in the village where they were born that makes me feel closer to them and teaches me more about how precious and wonderfully made they are.  

Both Raphaella and Wana and Pastor Nahum and his orphans and his entire village are all like a treasure…like a surprise given to me from God… a piece of God’s kingdom that changes everything.  It’s changed my thinking and given me new heart desires.  It has shown me the Gospel in action and has invited me to believe God for His ultimate will to be done…a will that is completely different and infinitely superior to any of my limited pictures. 

I don’t know how this story will end but I’ve decided to take down all of my pretty pictures of how I believe my story should read.  I’m not giving up hope or losing faith in Jesus, I’m only confessing that I am guilty of prematurely determining the outcome of my story as though I am the author instead of God.  I don’t want to stand in the way of anything the Lord has prepared for me and my family.  I can’t buy my own gifts and then thank God for them.  That works great with Trey but it can't be like that with God.  With God I have to accept what His gifts are for me...I have to accept His surprises and believe they are all perfectly wonderful and given to me for my good and to bring Him abundant glory.