Because of Who God Is

No new news on our adoption...still waiting in God's sustaining power. 

For now the double stroller my friend gave me remains empty in Raphaella and Wana’s room waiting for two tiny little baby bottoms.   However, after what I saw in Wal-Mart today, the whole side-by-side double stroller concept scares me a little…

  

Here’s what went down. 

I was standing there in front of hundreds of pounds of ground beef contemplating whether to spend the extra few dollars on the leanest of the ground beef options.  All of the sudden, right there beside me, a mom parks her shopping basket and next to that her double stroller with her two super cute twin daughters who could not have been older than 2 sitting side by side in their matching outfits and ponytails.  But in a matter of seconds any evidence of cuteness vanished when one of them leaned over and bit her sister’s arm.  Of course this sister is now mad so she retaliated by slapping at her sister’s face.  This interrupted the mother from choosing her meat and she leaned forward and told them to stop fighting.  That proved to be about as beneficial as if someone were to ask me to pop the hood of the car to check the oil or whatever it is you check when you pop the hood of a car.  I could no more likely even find the button to push required to get the hood of a car open than these two little adorable twin girls could stop fighting in that moment at the Wal-Mart meat department.   

I think I tossed 3 lbs of ground beef with a lean percentage of 80/20 in my basket and took off in the opposite direction from the commotion the twin girls were making.  The curious part of me wanted to stand there staring at them to see what would happen next but another part of me was telling me to flee…this wasn’t something I should see.  I entertained the latter and once I was safely to the aisle with the chopped green chilies and the twins were out of sight, I couldn’t help but to think of my Raphaella and Wana.  The side-by-side double stroller had just terrified me and words like “Oh God, what have I done?” and “I can’t do this!” flashed through my mind. 

By the time I made it to the roma tomatoes I was thinking about how Haiti and adoption became such a huge part of my family.  We didn’t just wake up one day to Haiti.  As I checked for the firmness I preferred in my tomatoes I knew it had everything to do with God’s grace.  It’s only by God’s grace that I am madly in love with a people I had never known before the devastating January 2010 earthquake.  It’s only by His grace that the filth, disease, heat, and infections defining this nation didn’t cause me to run hard in the opposite direction when I first met Haiti.  It was only by His grace that I instantly adored the orphans who lived there and was not afraid to squeeze them close to my heart and kiss their snotty nosed faces.  Loving Pastor Nahum’s family, his orphans, and his entire impoverished village of helpless people is not about me but about who God is.  Coming alongside Pastor Nahum to adopt Raphaella and Wana into our family is so totally not about me but about who God is.  It’s about a God who is filled with grace and mercy and love that words don’t express.    

I checked out at Wal-Mart and all the way home I questioned the common sense of the inventor of side by side double stroller and am now seriously wondering if I will ever use mine with both girls in it at the same time. 

Here’s the deal.  Adoption and caring for the whole band of orphans at Pastor Nahum's Back to Life orphanage for that matter, was never our plan.  

 It was not our idea.  It wasn’t about growing our earthly family.  It wasn’t’ because we wanted a Christmas card picture with a little black baby in it (although that will be sweet).  It wasn't to earn a "missionary" title.  It wasn’t because we got fired up about some sort of social movement to save the world. 

It’s all because of God's grace.  After seeking God’s heart, reading our bibles, and surrendering our plain-Jane ordinary selves to the Lord, God burned a love I’ve never known deep in our hearts.  I'm not a supermom...I cook the kind of rice that you boil in a bag for 10 minutes.  I pick up deli made pizzas that only involve 10 minutes in the oven.  Stouffer's frozen meals are my best friend and the unruly sight of twins in a side-by-side double stroller terrifies me in this moment as I wait for my own.  But...this was never about choosing comfort, luxury, ease, or all of the other things the world says we need to be happy.  I know my great reward is yet to come...it's eternal and will not be found in this world.  

God is the author of this story and He wrote it before I was even born.  Trying to take Haiti out of my heart and family is a losing battle.  That would involve taking the pen out of God’s hand and, well...its just not going to happen.    

You know how after you sit in Starbucks for two straight hours chitchatting with your friends and then you go home only to still smell like coffee?  It’s like this each time I return from Haiti except of course after the smells of Starbucks wear off I’m not still thinking coffee.  But, after the smells of Haiti eventually wear off, the lives of the Haitian people remain in my mind…I never forget them.   

Again, it’s God’s grace.   

I never forget them not because of who I am but because of who God is.  I carry them in my heart and choose to love the ones no one else wants to love not because of who I am but because of the holy magnificent character of who God is.

When I’ve had to leave Raphaella and Wana in the orphanage for undetermined amounts of time and every time I’ve had to walk away from Pastor Nahum’s orphans it nearly feels like death.  It never gets easier but I find a peace when I speak words like this over them, “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”

I can say these words with full confidence not because of who I am but because of who Jesus is.  These are not my words.  They are Jesus’ words in John 14:18 and I believe them with every last fiber of my being.