Seeking His Face~Psalm 27:8~: I want the Prize

Here we are. It’s real. At any moment we will move to Visas and enter the final phase of an international adoption race. I still don't understand this whole process. I remember lots of red tape and I know the next step involves passports being printed. What happens after passports are printed will be a picture of God's glory. The orphan label will forever be removed from two Haitian orphans. It's the reason we started the journey in the first place...to live out James 1:27 and reflect God's mercy towards the orphans.

Somewhere along this journey I lost the life I once had. But I’m ok with that because giving up my old life has opened the door for God to give me new life in the Spirit…one where I get to participate in His kingdom purposes and invest in things that are eternal. It is way better than anything I could have thought up.

But let’s be real…I still wake up some mornings and wonder who are these people who sign up for adoption and how did I become one of them.

I have moments when I want my old life back…the life I had when my flesh was much more pampered and protected than it is today. There are moments when I wish I hadn’t given up my efforts to maintain a trendy wardrobe. I miss the explosion of highlights and lowlights that made my hair fun…I get tired of my boring dark brown hair sometimes. There are moments when I wish I was still planning for a more beautiful yard with a pea gravel circle driveway to impress and convenience our guest when they visit us. And, I still have moments when I remember the plan we once had to transform our one story home into a two story home.

But these are brief moments that fade quickly when I think of what God gave up for me. I think of Raphaella and Wana. I think of the 13 orphans at Pastor Nahum’s orphanage. I think of how defenseless they are...waiting for someone to find them and see them as worthy enough to give up the pleasures of this world in exchange for offering them a better life...a life where they can be loved in a tangible way.

These thoughts help me regain perspective, fix my eyes on Christ, and set my heart and mind back on things above instead of earthly things.

Check out Galatians 5:17: “For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.”

This helps me understand why 90% of the time our adoption as well as our journey with Pastor Nahum’s orphans at Back to Life orphanage is my greatest joy and heart’s desire but then there is that other 10% of the time I struggle with all of it and even find myself resisting my very own story…

You see caring for the orphans is a big strike against my sinful nature. Saying yes to adoption and to Pastor Nahum’s orphans has positioned me to die a little more to myself. It’s made me believe for things I never before had the faith to believe in. I’ve had to fully expose my heart, holding nothing back, all the while the human part of me warns me, “don’t do it, it’s not worth it, it’s too dangerous, you will lose your life…”

Then Jesus says, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?”

So every day I have a choice just like you. I can feed my flesh or feed my spirit. I can either have courage and faith or I can resist my own story. But to resist my story is to turn my back on the beautiful things God has prepared for me in the Spirit. This resistance gives control to my sinful nature and it gives me a feeling like something could be stolen away from me…like I could lose something important.

And I'm talking about something that goes deeper than the physical circumstances of bringing Raphaella and Wana home or meeting the needs of the orphans at Back to Life orphanage. As much as I greatly desire these things they are just added bonuses. I’m talking about something of even greater value, something spiritual and eternal… my great reward…it’s my intimate fellowship with my Lord Jesus. Jesus is my Prize and not something I’m willing to lose.

So although I have to give up things I’d rather not let go of, I do it because I want the greatest prize. I want Jesus. Jesus takes my brokenness and writes the story of His redemptive Gospel in my life.

He writes stories about adoption and orphans who were once forgotten but now are given hope.

He gives us pictures to go with these stories. It's the most beautiful thing.